ME, MYSELF, AND (I)

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Wants to know me? (Ayoko nga) ____________________________________

                 ME, MYSELF, 

                AND (I) (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

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I love taking selfies, but if you notice, in all of my pictures, I always capture only half of my face or just the side. Why? Because I'm insecure. I think highly of myself, but sometimes I can't help but feel insecure. Maybe the reason I take photos like that is to gain confidence, hoping to be like others who are carefree and beautiful, not constantly comparing myself to them. I'm different from other girls, and it annoys me that I'm always being compared when I'm unique in my own way. I have many toxic traits, and although I am annoying, but why do others see me differently? Maybe it's because of the image I showed them? I find it hard to be mean to others because I think about how they'll feel; I'm okay with being manipulated instead. I'm so used to keeping everything to myself, it's tough to open up because I feel like I'll be judged. I don't know, but I'm happy now because even in this blog, I can open up about myself. Maybe because I want you to get to know me. To be honest, I feel lost right now. There are many things I want to say, but it seems like I have nothing to say. I grew up in an environment full of judgment and comparison, which is probably why I'm afraid of being judged and speak up for myself. I'm always dealing with problems, unable to handle them, but I keep them to myself and somehow manage; I can pretend to be okay in front of others, I've mastered that. I'm a restless person, but once my social battery runs out, I suddenly become quiet. I'm annoyed at myself for being such a people pleaser; I can't say no, it's like it's always accompanied by side comments.

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Every time I have problems, I get carried away with boredom, and I can't help but cut my hair... it's one of my coping mechanisms that ends up stressing me out even more once I regret it. Now I'm starting to hate my hair, I grown to be a "maarte" that is why I always wanted my hair looks good in a way that it have a "design" maybe?. And also one of my bad habits is I don't eat, whenever I go through something I can't resist. I hate how myself do something terrible that I will regret, maybe I'm just insufficient in my own wanting attention. I always starve myself, it somehow ease the pain inside me (make it more in pain). I'm always this "trying hard" and when I didn't get or reach what I really wanted, (I) do self sabotage. Coping mechanisms, but those 'mechanisms' doesn't cope up the pain I'm going through.I'm also annoyed at the part where I hurt myself in the past because of my problems, but I realized that's not the way to escape from everything weighing me down; it only sinks me further. I like to rant on my private account and especially on the notepad because that's where I can express my feelings and thoughts, but I'm afraid to speak up when someone actually wants to listen to me. I'm thankful for people who are willing to listen and advise me, but I'm annoyed at myself because it feels like it's never enough, even though they put in effort for me. But what's frustrating is that sometimes I can't appreciate it because why? It's like I'm looking for something more? It's like I feel there's no one who can match how I give advice and how I listen. It's frustrating that I don't like being outdone, but I just hide that part of me.. isn't that annoying? 

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It's annoying, especially when I don't want to be ignored. It's like I want others to treat me the way I treat them. I just want you to get to know me, to show you the side of me that I dislike. I can't seem to find my good side, but it's up to people how they perceive me and how I treat them. Yes, I'm very kind, especially in situations where I can't refuse. It's really hard. Even if I don't prioritize myself, I'd still choose to help others. I just hope I'll change with time; I don't want to have this kind of attitude. I'm annoyed at myself because, why am I like this? Am I too rebellious? I attend church every Sunday, and it's a bonus that I live in a house with a church, but my attitude doesn't change. It's like I'm betraying myself, my family, and my Lord. I attend church, I listen, but what's the point if I don't change and keep doing things I promised not to do, like swearing, hurting myself, and not listening? There are times I just want to disappear suddenly, but I still want to stay because I can't do anything; I'm just a normal person who doesn't know anything and has no direction. I live in my own self that I don't even know who I am, I always depend on everything and in every situation. I don't know what I want and what I desire because I'm used to other people always making decisions for the direction of my life, for how I should act, what I would like, how I should be, and what I should choose. It's annoying, isn't it? I can't think of what I want to do, but I have many thoughts, yet why can't I do them? I want to stand on my own feet, where... I hope I can, I hope I can do it alone, I hope I can think as an individual of what I want to do and I desire.. I even forgot what I'm used to; it's like I lost interest in everything, even in my studies, even though I want to improve. I want to rise from where I am low, but I can't. I lose interest; I just go with the flow. I just hope people who know me accept me. I'm also afraid of my own shadow; I hope I can escape from being imprisoned within myself. So I hope you get to know yourselves, be happy in your lives (don't imitate me), make decisions for yourselves, and don't let others look down on you... be yourselves. And I hope you learn to love yourselves; let's not be affected by what will others say (but I'm affected). That's all, thank you very much!

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